The last two weeks have not been so good. Probably the worst in the the last 3 months. It started when I had to make a 5hr. drive to see my dying grandmother by myself. Well, some people from my Dad's side of the family were there, but I'm not very close to any of them. And seeing my Grandma in the shape she was in just killed me, I was and still kind of am, so depressed. I ate so much chocolate while I was up there, along with everything else I could get my hands on. Their house is like a grocery store, and my Dad likes to eat out a lot and wants me to eat lots because I'm 'skinny enough'. It's just a downward spiral. When I got home, it was terrible because I was so depressed from everything and my boyfriend and I were just clashing terribly. It just made me eat more and more. And the bad thing when I binge, I just can't purge after. I try and try but nothing ever comes up. It's so very frustrating. I feel so disgusting right now. :0(
Yesterday I didn't do too bad with eating during the day, but then night came and blah, it all went to hell. I had...
a few bites of scrambled egg
1/2 silver dollar pancake (plain)
1 C. minestrone soup
1C. MiniBunz cereal w/ 2%
P.B.&J Sandwich on sugar free wheat
4C. frosted flakes w/ 2%
piece of s.f. wheat with P.B.
1/2C. plain oatmeal
...oh, that's so embarrasing to see in writing and know that it's going to be in a public place, I think I'll start keeping track of my food intake on here to motivate me more...I'm going to be even more embarassed when I put todays food down. Here goes...
1/2 apple cinnamon muffin
7 or 8 grapes
3/4C. cornflakes w/2%
15 frozen grapes
1C. beef noodle soup
2C. frosted flakes w/ 2%
5 cheesy bread sticks
6 slices cheese and pepporoni pizza
1/2 bottle red wine
I guess I've really been on a frosted flakes binge, I hate a whole box since yesterday afternoon. It sucks, it's going to be embarassing when my boyfriend sees it. Starting tomorrow there is going to be some serious restriction. I want to lose 20 lbs. ASAP. It really needs to go, I'm so freakin happy when I look better, I fucking hate being fat. It's the most disgusting feeling in the world. I feel like the ultimate pig when I can't control myself.
I want to fast for the next 36 hours (started at 10pm). I'm going to have coffee, water, and diet soda(while i'm working) and that's it. I'd like to work out in the morning if I'm not too exhausted. I've been so tired the last few weeks with awful insomnia. I think I'm going to have to take a sleeping pill which could hinder my workout in the morning...and the fact that I have to be at work and clocked in by 10am.
Whatever happens with that, I need to stay on track. I need to stay committed to my fast. and when that ends I would like to eat only 600 calories (so many because I have an intense workout class that evening) and 500 on the days that I don't have class. Once a week I would like to fast for 36hrs. Hopefully this will get me to my goal. I just need to stay motivated and not binge. I can't let my depression get in the way and I can't let my pot smoking cause me to binge because of the munchies. But I can't give up smoking all together. I've tried and I go crazy. Please wish my luck everyone. I need all the help and luck that I can get. Current Mood: determined