I've been doing the South Beach diet, right? Well, it's been great. I actually feel like it's working. I keep thinking that I've made through almost 3 entire days, I can do this. But oh god, the cravings for carbs and sweets are almost too much for me to bear sometimes. I had to come and write so that I didn't fall on the kitchen floor and stuff my face. God, I'm not even hungry..I want a chocolate chip cookie so bad. It's almost tearing me apart. But I WILL be strong, I will do this. I come out at the end knowing that I did not cheat, I did not sneak and think that no one saw me. Because I see me, and I know everything that I do. I can't hide from myself, and I'm the one who is going to see every little ounce of fat that doesn't come off, every little bit that's there now because I can't keep myself from eating shit.
I will do this. Even if it kills me, I will lose weight and I will do it on this diet.
My stupid boyfriend brought home the cookies and a bag of M&M's last night, even though I told him the morning before that I was starting a diet. It's like he was trying to sabotage me. He said, "MMMM, home made chocolate chip cookies. Have one, they're so good. ahhh, one's not gonna hurt". But damn it, I didn't take one and I was so proud of myself, and the bag is still laying on the table and I haven't touched them all day.
I will be skinny when this is all over. I will prevail.
I've started the South Beach diet...on Monday. I already feel like I've had success. I love this diet, and I really think it's going to work and actually help me keep the weight off if I can actually make eating habits change that have caused me to keep my weight on in the past. I can totally live without bleached and over-processed foods. It's better for you anyway. I'll keep updating how the diet is going.
The last two weeks have not been so good. Probably the worst in the the last 3 months. It started when I had to make a 5hr. drive to see my dying grandmother by myself. Well, some people from my Dad's side of the family were there, but I'm not very close to any of them. And seeing my Grandma in the shape she was in just killed me, I was and still kind of am, so depressed. I ate so much chocolate while I was up there, along with everything else I could get my hands on. Their house is like a grocery store, and my Dad likes to eat out a lot and wants me to eat lots because I'm 'skinny enough'. It's just a downward spiral. When I got home, it was terrible because I was so depressed from everything and my boyfriend and I were just clashing terribly. It just made me eat more and more. And the bad thing when I binge, I just can't purge after. I try and try but nothing ever comes up. It's so very frustrating. I feel so disgusting right now. :0(
Yesterday I didn't do too bad with eating during the day, but then night came and blah, it all went to hell. I had...
a few bites of scrambled egg
1/2 silver dollar pancake (plain)
1 C. minestrone soup
1C. MiniBunz cereal w/ 2%
P.B.&J Sandwich on sugar free wheat
4C. frosted flakes w/ 2%
piece of s.f. wheat with P.B.
1/2C. plain oatmeal
...oh, that's so embarrasing to see in writing and know that it's going to be in a public place, I think I'll start keeping track of my food intake on here to motivate me more...I'm going to be even more embarassed when I put todays food down. Here goes...
1/2 apple cinnamon muffin
7 or 8 grapes
3/4C. cornflakes w/2%
15 frozen grapes
1C. beef noodle soup
2C. frosted flakes w/ 2%
5 cheesy bread sticks
6 slices cheese and pepporoni pizza
1/2 bottle red wine
I guess I've really been on a frosted flakes binge, I hate a whole box since yesterday afternoon. It sucks, it's going to be embarassing when my boyfriend sees it. Starting tomorrow there is going to be some serious restriction. I want to lose 20 lbs. ASAP. It really needs to go, I'm so freakin happy when I look better, I fucking hate being fat. It's the most disgusting feeling in the world. I feel like the ultimate pig when I can't control myself.
I want to fast for the next 36 hours (started at 10pm). I'm going to have coffee, water, and diet soda(while i'm working) and that's it. I'd like to work out in the morning if I'm not too exhausted. I've been so tired the last few weeks with awful insomnia. I think I'm going to have to take a sleeping pill which could hinder my workout in the morning...and the fact that I have to be at work and clocked in by 10am.
Whatever happens with that, I need to stay on track. I need to stay committed to my fast. and when that ends I would like to eat only 600 calories (so many because I have an intense workout class that evening) and 500 on the days that I don't have class. Once a week I would like to fast for 36hrs. Hopefully this will get me to my goal. I just need to stay motivated and not binge. I can't let my depression get in the way and I can't let my pot smoking cause me to binge because of the munchies. But I can't give up smoking all together. I've tried and I go crazy. Please wish my luck everyone. I need all the help and luck that I can get.
Yesterday was a bad day..but at the same time it was good. I ate a few bites of oatmeal in the morning and then stayed busy all day so that I didn't have time to even think about eating. But then I went to a work out class, and I got kind of sick and dizzy. When I went home I ate a piece of cheese pizza and threw it up (not because I wanted t0) like an hour later. It was awful, I felt so bad I didn't eat anything else the rest of the night. When I got up this morning I still felt shitty, especially because I hurt my neck in class last night. I can't hardly turn it any direction. I ate the crust of a piece of wheat bread, and took half a pain pill. That took my appetite away completely, and I'm still not interested in eating at all. But I took the other half a little bit ago and ate some more crust with a little peanut butter. I wish every day could be like this, not worrying about food constantly. Getting disappointed in myself when I eat way too much, even when I'm full and can hardly eat another bite.
When my boyfriend leaves the house, I feel like I have to eat and so I pig out. But not today...it feels good to have a little bit of control even though it's not me really controlling it, but the pill. I hope I can make it the rest of the night without eating too much more. I need to lose the weight that I've put on. I weigh 139lbs. and I'm 5'6". I'm not overweight that much, but I have a compulsive problem with eating when I'm alone or at my grandparents, and not eating anything at all when my boyfriend is home or when I'm with my girlfriends who are all skinny. It makes me feel like less of a person when people see me eat. Especially my boyfriend. I told him finally the other night that I have a complex about eating around him and he said (in not so many words) that some complexs are good and can help people...i.e. help from not being overweight.
Sometimes I can't stand him and wish that I were with someone who wanted me to be healthy and eat right even if I had a little extra in places. But at the same time I'm almost thankful that he's the way he is because it keeps me from being as heavy as I know I would be if we weren't together. Everything in my life is a love-hate relationship. It's draining.